The Style Invitational Week 971 Double booking
By Pat Myers, Thursday, May 10, 10:23 AM
Front cover: The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Back cover: The Very Full Robin
Front: The Hobbit
Back: The Bobbitt, a shorter tale
The author Yann Martel, a
couple of years ago, planned to publish what he called a “flip book,” but he
didn’t mean the kind you pull your thumb across to watch the pictures move. He
meant that he’d write two complementary books inside the same covers — one
starting in front, the other on the back. (Martel evidently changed his mind,
although he did end up writing a book about an author who did this.) Anyway, as
Loser Kevin Dopart suggests: Come up with a double book with a humorous
connection; the first title must be an actual book, while the other may be your
own fictitious title (as in Kevin’s examples above) or a second real book. Feel
free to add a short description if that enhances the humor.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a very special
item, created by Jolene Mosley and donated by Andrea Kelly; it is like the ones
sent to male members of Congress during the recent all-male hearing on birth
control funding. Loser Anne Paris describes it as “a lovely hand-knitted
replica of intimate female parts, suggesting what Martha Stewart would be
inspired to create if she went to the gynecologist while stoned,” while fellow
Loser Craig Dykstra calls it a “she-cozy.” (You may choose a standard runner-up
prize instead.)
Other runners-up win their choice
of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the
new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser
magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink
for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 21; results published June 10 (online
June 8). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 971” in
your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions
is by Mae Scanlan; the alternative headline in the “Next week” line is by Judy
Blanchard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev
.
Report from Week 967, in which we asked you to create a new “portmanteau” phrase by
combining two overlapping phrases or names that each contained two or more
words: Even though the Empress deigned to allow hyphenated terms as two words,
lots of Losers still were inept at the task of counting to 2, and instead
combined two single words, such as Microsoft and softball. This week they get
to count to zero.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Player piano player: Someone
who doesn’t realize he’s entirely useless. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
2. Winner of the Laotian
liquor with a big scorpion inside: Bed, Bath & Beyond the Pale: “Now she’s
even decorating the garage!” (Mark Richardson, Washington)
3. Presidential
debate-and-switch: “Thank you for that thoughtful question. I’ll now pretend to
respond while answering an entirely different, self-serving question.” (Melissa
Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
4. Runner up yours!: The sore
loser’s greeting of congratulations. (Jason Russo, Annandale)
Standing their middle ground: honorable mentions
Red, white and blue movies:
Porn on the Fourth of July. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Victoria’s Secret Service:
Check out our new line of South American hose! (Mike Gips, Bethesda)
Open Secret Service: Its
answer to Mae West’s “gun in your pocket” question is “both.” (Harold Mantle,
Lafayette, Calif.)
Garbage pickup
line: “What’s a girl like you doing in a dump like this?” (Chris Doyle, Ponder,
Tex.)
The Family Circus Maximus:
Watch Billy, Dolly, Jeffy and P.J. fight to the death! (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Unforeseen-event planner:
God. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco, a First Offender)
Pizza hut-hut-hut: What
quarterbacks yell to draw those really fat defensive linemen offsides. (David
Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Mister Happy Meal: It’s never
as filling as they make it out to be. (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, a First
Offender)
Nature abhors a vacuum
cleaner: Traditional Amish saying. (David Ballard, Reston)
The Olive Garden of Eden: “Of
the fruit of that tree thou shalt not eat — but you can have all the salad you
want.” (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
Writer’s block party:
Inviting all of the neighbors over to throw wadded paper into the wastebasket.
(Jason Talbott, Pendleton, Ore.)
Shotgun wedding gown: A
maternity dress. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Human sacrifice bunt: Really
laying one down for the team. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge)
TV dinner jacket: An
unbuttoned flannel shirt. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
Jehovah’s Witness Protection
Program: Makes your home invisible to door-to-door visitors. (John Simson,
Silver Spring, a First Offender)
See it through the grapevine:
Deaf people gossip, too. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Passive voice mail: “The
phone can’t be answered right now. A message may be left by you at the beep.”
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Never Never Landover, Md.:
Home of the Losing Boys. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
German shepherd’s pie:
Processed burglar. (Lawrence McGuire)
Rock-and-role reversal: “Paul
buried me.” (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Model T Party: Engine of
political change started by cranks. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Glamour shot clock: It tends
to run out about age 35. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass)
Poison IV fluid: Way worse
than nasal drip coffee. (Nandini Lal, Bethesda)
Couch potato famine: The
game’s into overtime, and the chip bowl is empty. (Barry Koch)
Sympathy for the Devil in the
Details: An OCD support group. (Mark Richardson)
Pyrrhic victory lap: Tripping
over the flag you wrapped yourself in after the race, and breaking your leg.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
It takes a village idiot: How
to appeal to “the base” during the primaries. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Asleep at the wheel of
fortune: Dang, where did I put that lottery ticket? (David Ballard)
Pretty in Pink Slime: Lady
Gaga’s latest fashon line. (I. Michael Snyder, Rockville, Md., a First
Offender)
Good Humor me: Frequent
demand upon the husband of a pregnant woman. (Jon Graft, Centreville, Va.)
British Petroleum jelly: What
BP’s Tony Hayward needed to extract his foot from his mouth. (John McCooey,
Rehoboth Beach, Del.)
Change-of-life insurance:
Money set aside for a ranty day. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Log Cabin cruiser: Gay
Republican on the make. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
Knock-knoccam’s razor: It’s
me! (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
The Washington Post-it Note:
The print edition, circa 2020. (Beverley Sharp)
Next week: Take Us for Grants, or Ha-potheses